I know what hell looks like!
And having seen it, I am very motivated to clean up my act and start obeying as many commandments as possible. And I'll give you a glimpse. If you aren't good, you are going to the kingdom of ETERNAL WARD FAMILY CHRISTMAS PARTIES!
You will be damned to a giant cultural hall with warm lime/pineapple jello and cold green beans......unrecognizable dishes from strangers who have cats that walk on the counter........... rows and rows of scarred church tables covered with wet paper tables cloths and tipped over water glasses.........with parents cheerfully chatting and children all hopped up on the promise of Santa, taking off their shoes and running and sliding on the slippery floor........with a skinny Santa and mass chaos!
Can you be afraid of ward parties? I'm not afraid of ward parties pre se. I'm only afraid of Ward FAMILY Christmas Parties. I hate ward Christmas parties that include children. I know, I know. I'm evil. Christmas is about children and Jesus and giving and children and charity and children. I just don't like them - the parties with children.
Have you been to a Ward FAMILY Christmas Party? Maybe it's just my experience. But here is what I see -
Okay, okay, I'm taking a deep breath. I'll list my fears.....get em out there and then move on.
*Silverware out of the drawer from THAT kitchen - all church kitchens are filthy *Unknown foods glopped in bowls
*People tasting food at the serving table
*Children putting their fingers in the jello
*Sugar water punch
*Children going through the buffet line unaccompanied and taking ALL the olives and six desserts
*Oblivious adults - Wife: "Honey, will you watch the kids?" Husband: "We have kids?" Wife: "Seriously sweetie, could you serve them their dinner? I haven't gotten out of the house since Wednesday night enrichment and girls night out last night so can you watch them for a minute?" Husband: "Oh yeah. Sure. I'll be right back." She talks to her friends that she just got off the phone talking to 10 minutes before they came to the party and he is standing in a cluster with his friends planning one last basketball game for 10 pm on December 24th. There is mayhem in the cultural hall as children throw dinner rolls, crawl under tables with slices of ham, lick the frosting off their cake and then leave the plate in the middle of the floor..........I'm hyperventilating again.
I can't do it!
I'm making enchiladas so I have to go.
I think I can do it.
But I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm setting goals. I'm going to be more Christlike so I don't go to eternal ward party hell. And the first Christlike quality I will strive to develop is...................CHARITY!