Thursday, March 17, 2011

Not Enough Word, Tears or Time

I was hoping to wake up today and find out that yesterday NEVER happened and today was Wednesday, March 16th.

Yesterday morning, Brian called me to say that my 35 year old brother, Justin, died.
Maybe I am naive, but I have NEVER once considered what would happen if one of my siblings died.  Never.  You don't think about those things.  You think about your childhood and you think about sitting around the kitchen table laughing when you are all adults and then when you are 45 and 55 and 65 and all have grandchildren and it never occurs to you that someone might be missing.

They (who is they?) think he died of a massive heart attack or a pulmonary embolism.  There will be an autopsy today.  My brother, Jared will sit in on the autopsy via Skype

Justin, Justin, Justin............
I'm afraid to write too much because the floodgates will open and I'm not sure that they can be closed.
I WILL write about him eventually.
Because there is so much to say and I loved him so, so much.  And some of you will know that I loved him almost like my own child and that even though he and Jared are 35 and 37 and 6'2", I called them "the babies."

He leaves behind his wife, Stephanie who is pregnant and due in August, 5 year old twins and a soon to be 3 year old.
Brian called me at 8:40.
He asked me to get in touch with my parents in Rome.
By 8:55, my dad was on the phone.

"Dad"
"Gina...........uh so.........you talked to Jared."
"No......."
"Oh. Did you talk to Jenner?"
"No......."
I was confused.
He was confused.
There is no way my other brothers could have called him before now.
He was talking.
What was he talking about?
"Dad."
"Dad."
"Dad...........Justin's dead."
He responded the EXACT same way I did.
"Justin's dead?  Nooooo!  Noooo!  Noooo!  Noooo!"
We talked and I shared what little I knew.
We cried.
My mom couldn't come to the phone.
She was to overwrought.
I don't blame her.

And then my dad went on.........
"I thought you were calling because you had talked Jared.
Jared was supposed to call everyone today and let everyone know that Mom has been diagnosed with cancer and we were supposed to come home from our mission next week."

Wait. What?  I don't remember everything that was said.
I remember hours later thinking that maybe he said that they "thought" Mom had cancer or it "looks" like she had cancer and they were coming home to get diagnosed.

No. I talked to Jared and he gave us all the detail.
It's March 17th.
My brother is dead and my mom has cancer.

I am wearing waterproof mascara today.


34 comments:

Erin said...

Gina-I don't know you but have read your blog for a while now. I am saying a prayer for you and your family today. God Bless.

martyeaster said...

If you need anything please let us know, we will do anything. We love you guys and will be praying for everyone!

Mama Badger said...

Oh, Gina. My heart is breaking for you. So many prayers and thoughts for you today and in the days to come. I'm far away, but if there is ANYTHING I can do, please let me know.

Rebecca Jo said...

Oh my goodness... I cant even IMAGINE how your world is spinning right now... I am SOOOO sorry. Sorry isnt even the right word. I'm heart broken for you all.

Praying for strength as you all go through the next few days & start a new beginning without a family member. Praying for your SIL & his children... praying for your parents for the loss of their child.. & your mother as she battles cancer...

...this cant seem real to you all...

HUGS

valerie said...

Sending lot's of love, and hugs and prayers for you and your family Gina.

Carol Jenson said...

We love your family and are so sorry to hear this sad and shocking news. We will pray for you! Merlin and Carol Jenson

Stacy said...

Gina - I am so, so sorry. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Love you!

Stacy said...

Gina - I am so, so sorry. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. Love you!

Ashli Dardenne said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Sending hugs all the way from California.

Missty said...

Gina I am so sorry. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Dam. This sucks. I am so sad, my heart just aches for all of you.

Tricia said...

oh gina. I'm in tears reading this. I don't "know" you, we've never "met", but I feel like I do know you & your sweet family because you regularly share so much. I'm heartbroken for you & everyone who loves your brother and mother. Add me to the list of people who will pray for your peace & comfort. Much love to all of you.

Javan said...

Oh, Gina...
I don't have words. You are in our thoughts, prayers, and tears. Please let me know if you need anything.

Dawn said...

Gina,

I'm so, so, so, sorry. My prayers are with you and your family. I don't know what I can do from Maryland but if there is anything I can do, just let me know.

Paula said...

Gina, I'm so sorry. Such a lot to take in. You're in my prayers.

{amy} said...

I'm so sorry Gina! Thinking of you!

Kelly said...

Sending love and prayers to you and your entire family.

jill said...

Gina,

I could help but cry while reading this. Marty and I love you and your family so much and we hate to see you in so much pain. We are praying for you guys and we are always here if you need anything. Please don't hesitate to call.

Lauren Billat said...

I prayed for you last night that you would feel the comfort of the Savior and His atonement and that His love would carefully carry you through this time. I will now add to my prayers that you will all be able to overcome this next big hurdle of cancer.

Much love - Rebecca

qandlequeen said...

I have no effing clue why you're bothering with any mascara at all. There are no words of comfort, no wisdom on how to move forward. There's a lot of pain swirling around you right now and I truly wish there were a way to make it all better for you.

Sending hugs and oodles of prayers for you and your family during this very difficult time.

Raven said...

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry for your loss and for your mother's diagnosis. I have been thinking of you and praying for you and your family since I received your email yesterday. I wish, wish, wish, I could wave a magick wand and take away all of your pain. If there is anything you need, even if you just need to talk, please don't hesitate to email me.

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.

*lots and lots of hugs*

Shirley said...

Gina, I am so, so sorry. I know the Lord will bless you and sustain you through this...but I know it's still gonna hurt like hell for a long time. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

Lewis Family said...

Oh Gina- there are not words. You will be in our prayers. And if there is anything I can do, please let me know. ((((hugs))))

Emily

Don and Kelley said...

Gina, even though I have never met you, I can't help but cry as I read this post! My heart goes out to you! I am so sorry. My prayers are with you and your family.

Danelle said...

Gina, although I don't know you in "real" life, I feel like I do, and I'm crying real tears for you. There aren't words to tell you how sorry I am for your loss, but I wanted you to know that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Julianna said...

Crap.

Wait. Can I swear here?

Then I have no words...

(((Hugs)))

Patty Edwards said...

Gina... honey... you and your family are in my prayers. May you just be surrounded by love beyond compare, comforted by the One who can calm the storms.

Andrea said...

Oh sweetie. I'm so so sorry Gina. My thoughts, prayers and love are with you and your family.

Allison said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Oh, no. I am so very sorry for your tragic loss, and for your mother's diagnosis. I wish I could do more, but I will keep your family in my prayers.

KelliSue Kolz said...

Gina, words fail me, but the Lord never has. I will ask Him to comfort you in the ways that I wish I knew how. Just know that I am bearing your burden with you, and mourning with you, and you can clearly see that so many others are too.

From here there is nothing I can do but pray and send this note. But know I am doing this, and thinking of you. My own brother died suddenly, far too young in our teens, and I feel your pain. The sister I shared a room with growing up died in her 30s too. Lean on your friends, lean on the Savior, lean on your husband. They can be the arms that I cannot lend.
xoxo
KelliSue

petrii said...

Gina, I found you through a tweet from RJ. Oh my, I am SO sorry. I lost my sister when I was 19 and she was 18. It is just something I didn't even know could happen. I know that seems weird. Her absence has left such a void that only the love of my heavenly Father could ever fill.

My mom has also battled cancer twice. My heart is reaching to yours... I am so, so sorry.

With prayers and many hugs,
Dawn

Donna said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother, and also about your mother's diagnosis. My thoughts and prayers are very much with you and your family right now.

Kristine said...

Oh my word.....

My heart is breaking for you.
Sending hugs your way because words escape me. I'm sorry. :(

Stacy Uncorked said...

OMG Gina! I'm so SO sorry to hear about your brother and your mother. Please know that I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. ((HUGZ!!!!))