Beauty and the Beast

I promised I would get around to telling the story of my one and only Beauty/Talent Pageant. Well, actually, I don't remember a talent portion, so maybe it was just straight up beauty.

One day, the Federal Express man (it was back in like '80 before there was FEDEX) came to the door with a special delivery for me. I tore into it and lo and behold I had made it as a FINALIST in the Miss United Teen Pageant.

The judges had obviously NEVER seen me in my teenage, stringy hair, gaunt face glory.

Hey, wait a minute! How could I be a finalist when I had NEVER heard of the pageant and NEVER applied for this illustrious award? And then it occured to me that there was only one answer. No! Not that someone had seen me and recurited me! It had to be my friend Dave. Ever since the time I flattened myself in the back seat of the station wagon and spied on him while he made out with his girlfriend, he had been seeking revenge.

Sweet revenge! It would be mine! Dave was working his shift at Dairy Queen and I wanted to share the good news with him. And if I was a beauty contestant, then I needed to look the part. I put on my swimsuit and borrowed the filmy lemon colored robe from my mom's totally modest peignor set. I put on high heals and high tailed it to DQ.

Imagine the look of horror from Dave as I glided through the door: "I WON! I WON! I'm a finalist in the Miss United Teen Pageant." Someone must have ordered a 4 foot ice cream cone, because that was what Dave was squirting out of the machine while pretending not to know me.

But I wouldn't stop until I got his attention and gushed my thankfulness for the kind nomination. I promised I would make him proud.

And I DID! I thought it was only fair that since HE nominated me, HE should write the essay on "What America Means to Me." But then, I didn't want to risk it. So I wrote the dang thing myself.

Thank heavens there wasn't a swimsuit competition. We ONLY had to buy this red, white and blue costume for a group song and dance number and provide our own evenig gown. Oh if only I had a picture of my Little Bo Peep dress!

I told no one. I wouldn't let my parents even come to the competiton. I was the ONLY one there without a stage mother pinching my cheeks and tucking my slip straps in.

And it was WAY FUN! It was way fun because I didn't care!

Those of you who know me, know that I am far from effusive. But what the heck! Since I was acting the part of a beauty contestant, why not act the part of Miss Congeniality. It was pretty easy too because I couldn't care less about winning. I had the most fun being friendly. Maybe I should try it more often!

Anyway, after two days of practicing and primping and performing, we were judged. Wait, it's coming back to me..........there was a talent portion. I don't remember it because I didn't win it!

I did win BEST ESSAY! Yes! I won.....MISS CONGENIALITY and SECOND RUNNER UP. Wouldn't that have been cool if like the winner got arrested or something and then the first runner up died and then I could have driven the white Lincoln that said Miss United Teenager on it? NOT!

But I did come home with a plaque and two three foot tall trophies. I was famous with my little brothers. They fought over those trophies even though they were identical. I wish I could find a picture and scan that in. But that was my short stint as a beauty queen. No one ever nominated me or asked me to participate in another pageant since. I can't understand why!