Who Am I? Where Am I? How Did I Get Here?

These are not rhetorical questions. I’m in a ......what’s the opposite of sleep induced coma? I’m in a complete fog. I don’t know how I am operating. Actually I’m not. We got home from yesterday’s lacrosse games at 11 pm. My kids hate it when I exaggerate. We got home at 10:56. (WARNING: This post is extremely long....but then....so was my day!)

I told the boys to sleep in and skip seminary. I still had to get up at 4:15 for seminary.
If I were on twitter (or crack) here would be my day.

The alarm went off. The alarm never goes off. Wake up automatically before the alarm goes off – except for today.

Get in the shower and get dressed. I’m wearing a dress that is too short and no hose. I’m violating TWO CES policies. Oh well. About five minutes before I leave, I realize that I don’t have green on either.

I decide right now, at 5:20 am that I officially hate St. Patrick’s Day. Who the hell is St. Patrick? This is a FAKE holiday!

Kids start coming into class. They are all perky and green. I warn them that I have had no sleep, so they shouldn’t push their luck today.

As soon as class ends, I call Garrett to make sure he is up for school. He can’t wash last night’s “eye black” off. Even though he has now taken two showers.

He is running late. He decides to leave his lunch and come home during lunch to eat it and pick up his lacrosse bag.

Parker gets up (he has first hour off). I assure him that Garrett will bring him his lacrosse bag. I eat a boiled egg, bacon and coke and read the newspaper that I hate.

I realize that I’ve got to get him to school and get to my visiting teaching appointment. I hustle him out the door and tell him I’ll give him lunch money.
He realizes his backpack is in Garrett’s car. Where is the extra key to Garrett's car? I text Garrett.

“The keys are next to the fireplace” OF COURSE! Duh!

TRIP 1 to the school
Oh crap! They closed the entrance to the neighborhood closest to the school. We’ve got to hurry. I drive 40 in a residential area. We get to school BEFORE they start the promised construction on the main road to the school.

We can’t find Garrett’s car in its usual spot. We drive up and down 4 rows. There it is. I dump Parker at the car and peel out.

Oh shoot! I forgot to give him the lunch money.
In front of the visiting teaching appointment, I text Parker about the lunch money. "Do you have money?" "No, I don’t have any money."

I’ll take it after visiting teaching.

Visit teach.

Go home and throw some laundry in before passing period at school. Move the giant love sac out of Garrett’s room.

TRIP 2 to the school
Text Parker to meet me in the school and hand him the $5.
Test Garrett and tell him that when he comes home to come home the back way because of construction.

Come home and float through the rest of the morning with absolutely no recollection of what I have done. Write Tram a letter and write his companion. Who knows what I said. I look at tomorrow’s seminary lesson. Oh shoot! I need a piece of rotten fruit. I just cleaned out the refrigerator yesterday and there is a whole bag of rotten produce in the trash.

Wait, the trash man hasn’t come yet. I’ll go dig through there. Why am I taking the phone outside. Oh, here’s a disgusting tomato.

Did I take the phone outside? Where is it now? Grab a different cordless phone and start paging all the phones. I’m holding phone #2. Phone #3 is ringing upstairs. Where is phone #4. I open the front door. Oh wait, I hear something. There it is………..at the end of the driveway….on top of the trash can.

This is pointless, I can’t think. Forget working on a seminary lesson.

Garrett texts and says he isn’t going to come home. I tell him I’ll bring the lacrosse bag sometime and stick it in his car.

I can see that nothing that requires thinking is going to happen today.

I sit at the bar in the kitchen eating brie and crackers and a coke and read Parker’s cooking magazine.

I definitely need to get out of here and get some fresh air.
Pack the lacrosse bags in the car and head for Sunflower Market, the opposite direction of the school.

I don’t need anything. I pick up the first thing I see – an 8X8 store made yellow cake and put it in my cart. Why? I also buy some olives because I threw out 2 containers of them yesterday when I cleaned the refrigerator. Why? I buy some kumquats for Garrett because he loves them. I pick up two Asian pears. Why? I look at the oraganic burritos that the kids like. I see that they are $2.69 and for once make a good decision NOT to get them. I pick up a container of chocolate covered sunflower seeds for a friend who loves these. Why? I walk down the soap, shampoo, ointment, vitamin aisle and pick up a Badger’s Balm Gift Mom and Baby gift set. Suddenly the combination of lavender mixed with lye mixed with crap smell brings me to my senses. What am I thinking? I hate this aisle because it smells so terrible. Seriously, get me out of here!

I move on to the bulk bins. Hmmmm…Mighty Mints. Interesting. I wonder what those are. Speaking of which, WHERE did I put the two boxes of Junior Mints I bought yesterday. Maybe I should sample one of the Mighty Mints. I have NEVER in my life sampled anything out of a bulk bin. Have I lost it completely?

TRIP 3
As I drive toward the school, I remind myself to NOT go the road construction way. I should definitely go the long way which will end up being the shorter way. Nope, I’ll go this straight way through the construction. How long can it take?

The trip is normally five minutes from our neighborhood. But I’m not even to our neighborhood. These songs on the radio are stupid and if I have to listen to T.I and Justin Timberlake one more time, I’ll die....like their stupid song, "Dead and Gone."

Are you serious? What exactly is being constructed here? There are 8 construction signs and 6 flaggers standing around. When will it be our turn?

Yes! My favorite song right now comes on. I feel better. Flo-Rida and “Right Round.” It’s a cover of the 80’s song by Dead or Alive…except with different words. I don’t remember the 80’s version being about dancers and poles and money. It certainly doesn’t have anything in the song that is virtuous, lovely or of good report. Whatever.

Why aren’t we moving? Seriously this is taking a long time. When I get up to the flagger guy, I’m telling him that he has about 45 minutes until 2,800 kids get out of school. Traffic will be a mess.

Twenty minutes later and finding Right Round on three different radio stations, I get to the school. Hmmmm…Garrett did text me to say that his car is not in the same place. It’s near the red hall. Or is it near the blue hall? Did he say it’s closer to the cafeteria?

I text him. He calls and tells me where it is. I find it just as Right Round comes on again. I unload the bags into his car and vow to go the back way home.
But really, how long can it take? I’ll go the other back way by the elementary school. The flaggers are picking up their cones. Consruction is over. I can go the normal way. It’s too late, I’ve committed to going the elementary school way. Shoot. What were they constructing anyway? Oh no! It’s almost time for the elementary school to let out. I hope I don’t get caught in THAT traffic.

Garrett calls. It’s the Prom Fashion Show tonight. He wonders how he can practice until 5:30 and be in the auditorium at 5. I tell him to tell the coach that he has to walk off the field at 5 because he has a leadership thing he has to do. Leaving practice is verboten.

He asks me how he will shower. Skip the shower. “Are you serious Mom?” “Yeah, who needs a shower?” “Mom? I’m coming from practice. I’ll have helmet hair. I’ll be really gross and I still have eye black smears on my face. And besides, I’m modeling tuxedos."

“Oh....I guess you do need a shower.” Wow! That was hard. I really want to see the Prom Fashion Show. Dang! I have to go to a lacrosse board meeting. Hmmm….can we cancel? It would be hard to ditch since I am conducting it. Can I make it short? I better quit typing this and type up the agenda. I wrote down the coach’s topics for discussion on three different pieces of paper when we spoke earlier. I wonder where one of those three pieces of paper are? I wrote it down three time cuz I knew I wouldn’t remember where I wrote them down, much less the topics.

Wish me luck with the rest of the day. Where is that yellow cake I bought? Maybe I’ll have that for a snack while I type.

THIS is why I don’t use Twitter. That was what this post was about right?