Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Bonehead Brother Gets A BONUS!

First, it's Writer's Workshop at Mama Kats/. You pick a prompt and write about it. One of the prompts is to write a letter. This fits in somewhere in this post!

Garrett got his first lifeguard paycheck.
It was for 6 hours! Woohoo!
As if THAT wasn’t exciting enough, he also received a BONUS:
the “Employee News” tucked inside the envelope.

The “Employee News” has had me chuckling and pitying the organization in charge of these yahoos!

I won’t bore you with ALL of the categories but it is chockfull of IMPORTANT information.
Oh and note – all this information is not NEW. It was explained at the four hour mandatory orientation meeting AND handed out in written form.

You can read a few sections and just imagine 1) the audience they are writing to and 2) how bloody their tongue must be from biting it in an effort NOT to type what they really want to.

Take UNIFORMS for example:
What they wrote:
“You must wear a staff uniform every time you are scheduled to work. Your staff uniform includes a solid red suit (girls – no bikinis), staff t-shirt, name tag and whistle. If you need shirts and a name tag, lease phone the office and let us know……”

Radios need to stay inside the lifeguard office and should be kept to a reasonable tone. A reasonable tone means that you can hear the telephone and the whistle commands and you are able to have a conversation with another person without raising your voice. You should not be able to hear the music across the pool deck. Any music or morning talk shows that contain content above a PG level are not permitted to on at all when the pool is open. Stations that play music that contains lyrics above a PG level are also prohibited (for example – 107.5 or other similar stations.) If the problem continues, no radios will be permitted at the pos at all (including I-Pods)

You need to be arriving at the pool a minimum of 10 minutes before your shift. Walking in at 11am for a shift that begins at 11am is not on time. The following things will result in immediate termination: Having cell phones or I-Pods with you while on the stand or around the pool deck during scheduled working hours, not having the rescue tube in your lap, sleeping at work, inappropriate behavior and/or language in the vicinity of patrons, being under the influence of drugs or alcohol, not showing up for a scheduled shift and doing anything other than lifeguarding while on the stand.

Are you laughing? I’m laughing!

Here is what they WANTED to write (or what I would write):

Dear Employees:
THIS is why we had a FOUR HOUR orientation….
We were giving you the benefit of the doubt that somehow this year’s teenagers would surprise and amaze us by being responsible. I know. We are the stupid ones. 25 years of managing pools and we are still shocked EVERY year.

SO………This is a J-O-B. We own your sorry ass from the time you clock in until the time you clock out. In fact, we own you from 10 minutes before your shift starts and we cannot guarantee that you will be able to walk out the minute your shift ends. You are being paid to WORK. If you thought it would be glamorous, you were sorely mistaken. This is not Baywatch.

Because you are at work, wear your uniform. If you're not feelin' it and don't wear it. You're fired. it's pretty easy!

You have been hired to SAVE LIVES. We are not paying you to look cute, look cool, socialize with friends, work on your tan or text the world to make plans for when you get off. Do all of that on your own time.

Oh, and we can see it was mistake to let you listen to music while you work. Did you seriously think that mother’s of small children want to hear songs about strippers??? Rather than leave these hard core decisions up to you, we’re just eliminating music from pool areas. Hum to yourself on your break.

If you have any problems with what is expected…….well…. turn in your whistle and move on down the road. There are thousands of teenagers looking for jobs; In fact, there thousands of adults looking for jobs and we don’t need the hassle.

So, everyone just do what we talked about in the four hour orientation and have a GREAT SUMMER!


martyeaster said...

I like your version much better!

domesticgoddess said...

That was awesome!

Unknown Mami said...

You letter is by FAR superior. Love it!

Allison Williams said...

You should have written the letter for them!!

April said...

Your letter was way better and they probably would have paid more attention to it. LOL

Amy McMean a.k.a McSunshine said...

Ahh man. I'm betting ALL of them thought it would be JUST like Baywatch. Minus the beach and add a pool.

Great letter I was cracking up the whole time.

Vivienne said...

Yes, your version is superior.

valerie said...

LOL! I love the part where they say something about no sleeping while on the job. UH YEAH! Good point since YOU are a life guard at a POOL! Your version was much better!

Anonymous said...

So funny! That letter would actually mean something to teeneage employees, sometimes you can't tip-toe around and write in nice-ities when you're trying to send an important message to people fueled by raging hormones!

Allison Williams said...

Thought you might get a kick out of this :)

(army)Wife said...

Hilarious! I'm in HR and whenever I have to write a company-wide memo or policy, I HATE how I have to stupid-proof it. But if I don't I know I will get a million questions and I'll want to bang my head against my desk.

Stacy said...

Your version is much better! And I bet the teenagers would understand yours better too! LOL

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Your letter is HILARIOUS!! Are you sure you don't run the pool? {snicker snicker}

I love the Adventures of the Bonehead Brothers.

Mama Kat said...

Oh my gosh you missed your SO need to be a pool manager.