Thursday, January 15, 2009

An Exercise in Humiliation and Futility

If you have looked at yourself in the mirror and like what you see, or even kind of like what you see.....if you are feeling pretty good about yourself........well I can END all that!

The best way to ruin your self image or get rid of any kind of self confidence is to TRY ON BATHING JANUARY!

Hee Hee, Hah Ha, ooooooooo...........if I wasn't laughing so hard, I'd be crying! WHAT was I thinking?

I think everyone looks good in the winter. They look good because they are layers and layers of clothes. Nothing is hanging out. Nothing is falling out. And those bulges? It's just your cami/thermal/t-shirt all bunched up at your hip. Seriously, everyone is so much more attractive in a skirt and tights or long pants and sweater than short shorts and a tube top. Who looks good in a tube top? Anyway, I'm off topic.

Back to the swimsuit fiasco. I'm going out of town next week and I thought I would add to my swimsuit wardrobe. Let's just say that 1) I will not be sharing pictures and 2) I came home empty handed!

PRO's for Swimsuit Shopping in January
1) You have the swimsuit department to yourself. There's not even a sales person in the swimsuit department because what kind of moron comes in the store 2 weeks after holiday gorging and when it's still 40 degrees outside?

Well, that sums up the Pros.

CON's for Swimsuit Shopping in January
1) When you take off your clothes, there are a LOT to take off.
2) Swimsuits never look good with knee high socks!
3) Mmmmm.......white pasty flesh under yellow lights........attractive!
4) Did you know that moles and spider veins and stretch marks show up MORE on white skin? White as in....not tan........not white as in not African American.
5) I think I have jaundice.
6) There are too many mirrors in the dressing room! WHY do I want to see the dimples in my butt at the SAME time as the bulge in my belly? Seriously, I do not NEED to see all of myself at the same time!
6) Most stores don't have swimsuits in January and I know why!
7) When you are swimsuit shopping, your patience for stupid people diminishes that blonde girl with the super tight, "dress up" sweat suit and the BCBG t-shirt with the letters in rhinestones? I'm gonna slap the Juicy Couture bag right off her shoulder if she says, "Oh gee, I wish this suit was available BEFORE my cruise!" about one more slutty lingerie looking Betsey Johnson bikini.
8) There are NO swimsuits in your size. (How do they size these things anyway?)
9) The ones on the rack that are cute are only cute on the hanger!
10) The ones on the rack that are ugly are STILL going to be ugly once you get them on.
11) Trying on swimsuits is like stuffing a sausage into casing.
12) They let ANYONE design swimsuits! Ed Hardy, J-Lo, Betsey Johnson, Juicy Couture should go back to designing what they know.
13) It's expensive to look really bad! The less material, the higher the price and swimsuits are not included in the January White Sale.
14) There really isn't anything miraculous about the "Miracle" suit except that it is the only suit I know that can take 10 pounds off of you and put 10 years on!

Well, that is one hour I will never get back! I don't think I'll look in another mirror for a week.


Tricia said...

gina! you are flat out hilarious! thank you for the warning. I was feeling pretty good about myself in my looser pants today. but I think I will skip swim suit shopping for now. even though I desperately need a couple of new ones.

and the miracle peeing my pants over it.....youre right on the money!

debilyn said...

....i still can't breathe....

....laughing too hard.... happy in my Victoria's Secret PINK boyfriend sweats that make me look like I have a 10 lb. brick in my pants!.....

Blogging Mama said...

You made me laugh. But I hear ya.
Another super bad time for swimsuit shopping is the end of July. There isn't anything left but bikini's. I don't care if I'm skinny, I Don't Do Bikini's.

So guess what I own (for the rare vacations where there is actually sun?)

Yep, freaking bikini. Layered with a tank top and shorts and hmm, maybe that's the summer version of your winter theory?

Anyway, good luck!