CHARITY BEGINS AT HOME!

Monday night as we sat around the dinner table enjoying each other's company, Garrett and Parker "remembered" that their Operation Christmas Child box was due in leadership the next day.

What a glorious opportunity!

They went to WalMart armed with a list of items like toothbrushes, toothpaste, crayons and socks.
Each student is to purchase all the items on the list, pack them in a shoe box and bring it and $7 for shipping to send to a needy child.

I texted Garrett about the time they arrived at WalMart with a friendly reminder:
"Please be reasonable and try not to spend a lot of money."
His response: "Duh"

They arrive home loaded down with bags.
I see the receipt poking out of the first one.

I snatch it out of the bag.
The boys stand frozen...........holding the bags.

tthbrsh                $1.29
tthbrsh                $1.29
tthpste                $3.59
tthpste                $3.59
cryns                   $1.00
cryns                   $1.00
str wrs bk            $1.00
str wrs bk            $1.00

So far..........it all looks very reasonable.

colring bk            $1.00
colring bk            $1.00
mb car                $1.00
mb car                $1.00
mb car                $1.00
mb car                $1.00
nrf swrd            $10.00
nrf swrd            $10.00
bys scks...............WAIT! WHAT?

I pause in my perusing.  $10?  What was $10?  Some socks?  A pack of T-shirts?  WAIT.......
NRF SWRD

NERF SWORD

They bought TWO NERF SWORDS!

I'm no dummy! THOSE won't fit in a shoe box!

"You bought Nerf Swords?"
"We needed them."
"You guys are idiots."
"Yeah - we got them cuz we're having a sword fight later."

May you fight to the death.
Just don't get any blood on the carpet.

I'm An Auditory Disciplinarian and I'm Proud of It!

Don't forget! I am the uninvited guest poster at Facts from a Fact Woman today!
But I would like to add one tidbit - that I admittedly didn't know when I wrote my brilliant post:
Breast milk will stay "good" in the freezer for 6 months.
Go on over and check out the blog!

Okay soooo...One of the Bonehead Brothers and I had a little misunderstanding this weekend.
I said, "Clean your bathroom."
He put away his toothbrush, straightened the 20 colognes and threw away the empty Slim Jim box.
Voila! Done!

For some reason he thought I was crazy when I explained that "Clean your bathroom" means
* clean up all toothpaste blobs
* clean all the pee off the toilet
* clean the mirror
* remove all clothing and towels from the floor......etc.

Well, YOU know what clean the bathroom is!!!  I don't have to tell YOU!

Actually, he knows too.
Nice try though.

So as he passed my office with the cleaning supply bucket and the toilet brush held over his head like the Queen of England's sceptor, he said,
"I'm going to go put this in Parker's ear."

"No.........just leave him alone."

Just seconds later,
I hear Garrett singing the "JAWS" theme:
"Duh Dum.   Duh Dum, Duh Dum, Duh Dum"
Then, I hear Parker in the family room:
"Get that away from me. Stop it!"

Me: "Garrett!  Cut it out!
Garrett: "I'm not doing anything!  Just because you hear him yelling, you assume I'm doing something....
YOU'RE SUCH AN AUDITORY DISCIPLINARIAN!"

I'm laughing!  What?

Garrett: "Yeah - you hear laughing and you assume we are doing something wrong.  You hear screaming and you assume we are getting in trouble.  You hear nothing and you make us get up and go do some chore.  You hear video games and you make us go do homework."

He's right!
I'm disciplining based on what I HEAR!
He's right!
I'm an Auditory Disciplinarian.

He's brilliant - don't tell him!

I'm a bloody mess and I'm guest blogging!

Thank heavens it's RTT - Random Thought Tuesday.

Celebrate with me!
Go on over to Keely's at The Unmom - read her stuff, grab her button, write your own RaNDoM and link up!
Hurry up already!


* I invited myself to guest post on Facts from a Fact Woman's Blog.
Yes you read that correctly.
She did not seek me out.
In the middle of cleaning out my freezer, I researched some great facts that I just had to share.
So I wrote a post and invited Margaret to post it ON HER BLOG.
Go take a look at my brilliance TOMORROW!  She assured me that it would post tomorrow.  Do you think she was just telling me that to make me go away?


* We were supposed to get between 6 and 12 inches of snow between Saturday night and Sunday evening.  In my fantasies, all twelve inches would fall out of the sky at once,
thus cancelling church and necessitating a pajama day.  Yeah - it didn't happen.


* Yesterday morning, I was shredding stuff and then decided to clean out the shredder- it's one of my favorite jobs.  In a sad shredder accident, I somehow cut my finger.  Instinct calls for immediately putting your finger in your mouth.  My blood tasted gross.  I wonder if that means anything?  Do you think your blood tastes different when you are sick, like when you have a serious disease?


* I went to my husband's office to "help."  We use that term loosely.  There is not a lot I am qualified to do there.  Nevertheless, even that became difficult when I received multiple file folder cuts (way more severe than normal paper cuts) and then my shredder finger kept bleeding on the documents.  I kept having to staunch the blood on my jeans and make new copies of the damaged documents.  Do you think I should file for workers' comp?


* The one good part about going to the office is that one of the employees brought in treats.  By "brought in treats," I'm not talking a dixie plate of chocolate chip cookies.  She brought a PLATTER (a big one) of mint brownies, peanut butter and chocolate thingies, chocolate cake, and three types of cookies for Brian.  Yeah, he and his partner each received their own platter!  I ate some there and took the whole platter home with me.  I should have bled on it so I wouldn't have to share.


* I'm going out to lunch with a friedn today to celebrate her 75th brithday.  She wants to go to this Chinese Food Buffet.  My connections at Tri County Health tell me that it will soon be shut down for numerous violations.  Ethically, do I have to tell her? Or should I just let her enjoy her meal?

* IF you have read this far, I'm sharing a secret with you.
This is like my 290th post.
That means that I am getting close to 300.
I'm going to have a huge giveway - a HUGE pretend GIVEAWAY.
You should see the stuff that shockingly, didn't sell at the Boy Scout Garage Sale this last weekend.
You're gonna LOVE it!  You're gonna want it!
And I would totally give it to you (if Brian hadn't already taken it to the Good Will.)
So, come back in like 10-14 days for the BIG, BIG, REALLY BIG pretend GIVEAWAY.


Happy, Happy Random!

The Way to a Manchild's Heart - CHICKEN WINGS!

As a parent, you always appreciate the people in your children's lives who do for them what you cannot possible do -
like teach them Math, coach their team and TEACH THEM VIOLIN!

Bless Javan!

(sorry - I stole this pic from her facebook)

She has been Garrett's vioin teacher since he was in Kindegarten.
She has the patience of Job.
She should be sainted.
She has never raised her voice at Garrett, never gotten angry, never hit him and never bludgeoned him with a club, or choked him with her bare hands - all things I have done or thought about doing.

Javan's equally wonderful husband, Kenny usually cooks dinner and watches their children while Javan gives lessons in the evening.  A couple of weeks ago, Kenny made wings.  Garrett invited himself to eat with them.

Garrett came home RAVING about how awesome they are.
And you know that Garrett KNOWS what good wings are.
I called Javan for the recipe but didn't get a hold of her.

Last week, Garrett went to violin wher Kenny and Javan presented him with
THE RECIPE
and
THE INGREDIENTS to make the wings.

How excited was Garrett when he got home?

And now we'll share
Kenny's Famous Wings.

Read the instructions.
It's obvious that Kenny and Javan know Garrett well.  REALLY WELL!

How to make wings at home:

Ingredients:


*Chicken wings or drummettes
*Spongefoot trading company original wing sauce (go to whole food they have tons of cool sauces to try)
*BBQ rub – don’t use too much
*Liquid smoke – hickory


Warning – You will need to set your iphone down for some of this. Your hands will be greasy and slimy and that does not work well with the touchscreen. The girlfriends can wait for their texts, you are learning to cook which is essential to keeping girlfriends in the future.


How to do it:


1. Get Parker to do it.
2. Take wings out of package and rinse and pat dry. (This is raw chicken so keep your hands clean and don’t stick them in your mouth.) Put in big bowl.
3. Check your day trades on your iphone
4. Sprinkle BBQ rub on the wings
5. Squirt some liquid smoke on them – about 10 shakes or so
6. Let it sit for 20 minutes or longer if you can
7. Fire up the grill
8. Get grill hot and then knock it down to about1/4 the heat
9. Spray something on the grill so the wings do not stick
10. Put wings on using tongs
11. Grill one side for about 4 minutes and flip if they look brown or a little bit of charring on them – about 4 minutes on the other side
12. Have a big bowl – a clean one ready with some of the wing sauce in it. Toss the wings a few at a time and put back on the grill for about 2 minutes.
13. Take off the grill and put in a big bowl again and put some more wing sauce on the wings.
14. Chow down.

You are the best Javan!
You have done for Garrett something I could never have done.
You have been an integral part of his life.
I can never pay you back and I can never thank you enough.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

FRIDAY FIELD TRIP

It's time to take a little trip - A FRiDaY FieLD TRiP!

This week, Margaret and I went on our traditional trip to

It is at Tagawa Nursery for a few days.  It's a smaller version of their Fall Boutique.

But this post isn't about THAT part of the field trip.

THAT was the field trip until somewhere in aisle 3,

I freaked out.

"Margaret......"
"What?"

"I'm having a panic attack."
"About?"

"WHAT are we going to do about TEACHER GIFTS?"

When I say TEACHER GIFTS, I'm not talking about movie tickets for Miss Slugbottom or a perfumed candle for the gym teacher.

I'm talking wonderful, useful, creative, CHEAP gifts for 250!

Margaret and I are in charge of showing the high school staff love from the PTO (for about $2 a person.)

I let Margaret worry about this.

Margaret calmly replied, "Oh I already had a panic attack about that early this week."
"And????????"
"I don't know."

I spent the rest of the Grandmother's House Boutique looking at crystal earrings, dip mixes and feathered headbands wondering what I could buy 300 of for $1.

We left rather quickly.

We tossed around ideas.

I was hyperventilating: MUST   FIND   GIFT.

As we pulled back in the neighborhood,

we decide we needed to settle this right here and now.

It was an EMERGENCY!

In the past, the gifts have been purchased in July or October at the latest.

We've given..........remember.......we can only spend $2ish..........and it's to men and women.....and they are Christian, Jewish and Kwanzaanian, carnivores, vegetarians, diabetics etc.....

Each gift comes with a corny poem about how much we appreciate them written by moi in the 11th hour!

Anyway.....in the past, we have given -

Pasta, a pasta fork, a demi-loaf of french bread

A fleece scarf with hot chocolate

An enamel popcorn bowl, dvd, popcorn and 2 liter bottle of pop

A booklight and hmmm.....something else

Mugs with..........I don't remember

So Margaret whipped a U-turn and we went to Target for ideas, knowing that we wouldn't find anything but at least we could get ideas.

We walked in and chorus of angels sang,

a light shown down from heaven,

there in the bottom bin of the $1 aisle.....

Everyone uses/needs an ice scraper in their car. 
They are boyish and girlish.  They don't have any calories.  They won't offend vegetarians.  AND the ones there were all blue with a black scraper - SCHOOL COLORS!!!!  It was meant to be!

I was already writing the poem in my head.

So we loaded the cart with the 89 that were there and started walking around the store chanting, "What could go with an ice scraper?"  Anything under a buck was considered..........packs of gum?  Hello Kitty stickers?  Doggy Treats?
Seriously, what else goes with an ice scraper?

I heard the chorus of angels again-
those stretchy magic gloves on the end cap
YES! WOW! PERFECT!
Wait........................they are $1.50.
But wait again!  They are TWO PAIRS for $1.50

We bought 63 sets.
So we continued the field trip to two more Targets.
250 ice scrapers and 250 pairs of stretchy gloves later, I could breathe a sigh of relief.
This is one Field Trip you should be glad you weren't on!

"BUTT Mom!"

Today, I'm reliving part (the best part - cuz someone else gets in trouble) of my childhood.
It's Writer's Workshop with Mama Kat and you can play along too!
Go over and see her and pick a writing prompt!


I've selected #1: Describe the best/most creative punishment you have ever given your children or received yourself. 

I personally, have never done anything wrong so.....I can't write about a punishment I have received.  And if you've stalked visited here much, you KNOW my kids have NEVER done anything worthy of punishment. 

So I'm remembering a punishment my hellion angelic brothers received.  It was brilliant!

My brothers were about 3 and 5 and entertaining themselves while my mother was involved in some kind of church service.  Giggling ensued.  And then they became hysterical.  This fit drew my mother's attention and she asked what they were doing.  Dropping their pens and shoving paper behind their back, they gave the standard answer you give moms: "Nothing."

"Come here" she commanded.  They did - empty handed.  "Go get the paper."  Sheepishly, they brought the papers to her.

"What is this?"

Thinking quickly, my brother answered, "Beetles."  My other dumber brother nodded in agreement. 

"Beetles?"  my mother responded.  My mom was brilliant.  She was never going to be taken in by a 3 and 5 year old.  Plus, I think she had taken some science classes before becoming a mom and she knew that beetles had heads AND legs.

"These aren't beetles. Are you boys drawing butts?"  They couldn't really answer because they were wavering between bursting out in tears or laughter. 

Laughter won.  "Butts!  Ha! Ha!  Hee!  Hee! Butts!!!!!  Woo!  Hoo!"  The giggled uncontrollably and slapped their thighs, held their stomachs, fell to the ground and writhed in preschool ecstasy.

Except that when they caught their breath, they realized that my mom wasn't laughing with them.

She wasn't even smiling. (How she kept that straight face, I'll never know.)

"Well, since you think this is so funny and you are having so much fun," she paused and handed them a legal tablet,

you can go on in the bathroom and fill this whole tablet with butts."

My brothers looked at each other gleefully.  Wow!  What a punishment!  Mom was soooo cool!
Their laughter echoed off the bathroom walls as they drew page 1, page 2 and page 3. 
Things started quieting down around page 7.
By page 9, the youngest was selected as the scapegoat one most likely to succeed and came out to ask for a reprieve.
Mom shook her head and back into the bathroom he went.

By page 12, they were crying.
By page 15, they were calling out from their cell that they would NEVER draw butts again.
They filled that tablet.

THAT was the day that I realized my mom was a genius!  They don't teach you that stuff at Mom School. 
And my brother's were "cured."  Neither of them became medical illustrators and neither of them are really "ass men."

I've tucked that punishment away in the recesses of my mind, just waiting for a single off-color illustration.  Alas, my own children are 20, 18, and 15 and they haven't turned in any butt, boob or penis drawing.  Dang!

RTT - UMBILICAL CORDS AND DAY TRADING - IS THAT RaNDoM EHOUGH FOR YOU?

It's my favorite day!
It's RaNDoM THouGHT TueSDaY!

Go on over to Keely's at The Unmom and link up.  You'll like it.  You really will!

* I was walking out of the high school the other day as some kids were walking in.

One genius turned to the other and asked,
"How long has this school been imposed?"

Did he mean "When was this school built?"
Or did he really mean, "In what year did the government mandate that children attend school?"

Well for that kid's info:
Colorado became a state in 1876 and holy cow, it wasn't until 1889 that the government decide that kids couldn't self-smart themselves and enacted Compulsory School Attendance.
Twelve years ago is when the high school was "imposed" on this particular area.


* Garrett is getting his wisdom teeth removed over Thanksgiving break.
Don't feel sorry for him.
He hates Thanksgiving food.
He doesn't like the texture - it's soft and boring.
He may be liking soft and boring this year!
Being the accomodating hostess, I always ask him what his favorite Thanksgiving foods are so we can include them on the menu.
He always says, "Chinese food."
I ignore him, so I guess I'm not that accomodating.


* The other night at dinner,
Garrett announced this year's summer job.
(Let's remember that Garrett was a lifeguard last year - perfect summer job and that he is currently employed with a very impressive, resume worthy job right now.)
G: "I know what I'm going to do next summer."
Me: "Do next summer?  What do you mean?"
G: "I know what my summer job is going to be!"
Me: "What?"
G: "A DAYTRADER!  Isn't that perfect?  They let monkeys trade and they did better than economists."
Me: "What are you saying?  You're a monkey?"

Lest you think he isn't serious, he has opened an Ameritrade account (after researching other online trading houses) and has contacted one of our friends who is a trader and arranged to go to his office to see how he works.
Heaven help me!


* While chewing on one Slim Jim, he holds another over his head and prepares to launch it at me like a missile.
G: "Mom, have a Slim Jim."
Me: "No thanks."
G: "Why not?"
Me: "They are disgusting!"
G: "Why am I the only one who likes them?  They are yummy umbilical cords."

Ewwww........Now, not only do I NEVER want to taste one, I never want to see one.




* In case you don't have teenage boys,
War of the Worlds,   World of Warcraft, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare came out last night AT MIDNIGHT!
Garrett and Parker "reserved" their copy last week by paying CASH.
In a fit of responsibility, they even saved the receipt in pristine condition.
They left the house at 11 PM and went to the store where they were 131st in line.
Garrett said there were about 300 other idiots people there.
I guess it's akin to girls going to the midnight showing of New Moon.
Whatever!

Well, I'm off to consume a greasy chocolate twist donut.
Happy Tuesday!